Story from Anonymous

When I was around 3-4 years old I noticed that I was different from others. My family had a farm and we raised all kinds of different animals; cows, pigs, chickens, sheep, horses etc. We also had dogs and cats. I remember one day our bitch had puppies and as I often saw my grandma slaughter chickens on a tree log with an axe, I took the axe and one puppy, brought it to the tree log and tried to kill it. I missed and almost ended up cutting my own foot off. I had my grandpas boots on so I cut the front portion of them away instead of my toes. That’s where my grandma came up to me and asked me if I was crazy and said that we don’t slaughter puppies. I didn’t understand why she was angry because to me it was just another animal like the others. Every year around Oktober we would slaughter pigs and harvest the meat to have during the course of the next year. I remember my sister crying when the pigs would be taken out screaming i didn’t understand why she was crying so I cried too and tried to mimic her because I thought that is what people do. Later I came to find out that she cried because she felt bad and sad that pigs were slaughtered, I wasn’t feeling bad or sad for the animal at all. I always saw what other people experience emotionally and I always tried to mimic those emotions and I understood them but I never felt them. That’s where I noticed if I cry I’ll get something if I’m angry I’ll get yelled at etc. One emotion I didn’t understand at all was fear. I remember we had a fire stove in the kitchen and my grandma would always warn me not to get close because I could burn myself on the stove, we’ll I did get to close and I burned my both palms on the stove. I felt the pain but I wasn’t afraid of the stove anymore I was before I burnt myself. I would climb trees, roofs, practically anything and I wasn’t scared at all. Everyone told me I would fall and break something but I didn’t care at all even if I did.

When I was around 7 I started stealing cigarettes from my mom and smoking them in secrecy. She noticed her cigarettes were going missing and she scolded me and told me I would get my ass beat if I did that again so I started stealing them in more unnoticeable way to see if she can notice that her cigarettes were gone missing again, she didn’t. So I got bored and waited her on the doorstep with a cigarette in my hands, smoking, and she would chase me around the house and yell she would tell my father. I wasn’t afraid of my father I just didn’t want to deal with him because he was a drinker and he annoyed me, so I would let my mother scold me just so I don’t have to deal with my annoying father. I think my dad knew I was different because he gave my sister affection but not towards me, not that I cared anyway I loved making him agitated because it gave me the adrenaline rush of the danger I guess.

In school I used to charm the teachers pretending to be the perfect student, and I had very good grades in middle school. I always found my way around being the teachers favorite. When it was break time I would harass other kids. It was my form of amusement. When other kids tried to bully me I would make friends with them, and then I would make friends with bigger bullies and make the bigger bully go and punish the kid that tried to originally bully me. I thought to myself if only he knew with who he was messing with. I was a very competitive dare-devil kid, I would do stuff that other kids were afraid of. Like parkour, bmx, skateboarding, and, yes other kids did that too but I always took it to the next level trying to climb the highest building, the biggest tree, jumping over the biggest spine on the bmx course etc. I was a delinquent kid too, I used to vandalize other peoples stuff, steal cars and drive them until they ran out of gas and just leave them there. I stole the cars drove them to the drivers training course because I thought if anybody sees me they wouldn’t think; “hey this kid just stole that car!”, they would think; “oh, he’s learning how to drive”. I would wipe my fingertips off the steering wheel and the door handle, although, I was never fingerprinted but I saw it in the movies, so I thought to myself I should do that just in case they do bring me in so they wouldn’t have a match. I was around 12 at the time. I remember when we would go to church, people would leave their wallets to be blessed and I would steal them to buy candy, then throw the wallets into a river. I was moved or rather expelled from 3 different schools. I had numerous sittings with the school pedagog and I would play the empathy card and cry and be sorry but only thing I was; is that I was angry with myself that I got caught. I was sent by the third school pedagog to a real children’s psychologist, and I would lie and manipulate them into thinking I was a troubled kid because my parents didn’t get along and that they hit me. They took an iq test and I scored very high, and they were charmed how intelligent and smart I was for my age. I used to draw really good so I drew a flower that the psychologist told me she liked when she asked me what my favorite flower was and I played the “little smart sweet kid that the parents hit.” She bought the whole act and sent my parents to be evaluated instead of me.

In my teens I started smoking cannabis and trying out all kinds of different drugs, never got addicted to anything because I just wanted to try it and see what it does to me. It was like a science experiment to me. I did drink alcohol, but only to fit in with the “cool kids”, never drank it on my own when nobody was around. Didn’t like it. I made friends with drug dealers, and I started dealing drugs myself but I got bored and it was too risky considering I didn’t make much money in the first place. This was in my high school years. I would spend most of my time going to bars and gambling instead of school. I would keep going to school just enough times so they can’t legally expel me but I would still pass the year. I never finished any kind of formal education apart from middle school. I got caught by the authorities multiple times, and been brought in for questioning but they never could prove anything. They always knew exactly what I did and described it to me exactly how it happened but I would manipulate them so much that they would later apologize for bringing me in. It was all petty crimes, stealing, breaking and entering, vandalism etc. I was never violent; in the sense that I physically heart someone or something (After that puppy incident). Most of my hurting towards others was all mental games and manipulation. Do I feel sorry you may ask? No, I don’t feel sorry, but I understand that it’s not good, or that it’s “evil” if you want to put it that way.

My writing here and sharing my story is the real me, without that mask I constantly wear to appear “normal”, and it’s the first time I’m telling anybody who I am. Every job I had I lost it because I just didn’t show up after I saw I couldn’t get it my way or I got bored. In a sense, I guess I got bored and tired of wearing a “mask” and the position I was after would take too long and more commitment then I originally had in mind. One example of my one month manipulation: I started a job as an Amazon delivery associate. Driving a van delivering packages. Every day I would stay over time and ask the boss if I could help in any way. I would tell him my car broke down so I’m waiting to get picked up (there was never a car to begin with), so if I’m waiting I might as well do something. So he would give me little chores like checking the vans for damage etc. Next day I would say my car is broken totally, and I would have to take the bus to work and back home. So I took the early bus, and showed up before the boss did (around 7 am), so when he saw me waiting there he would ask; “why are you here so early? You’re like 2 hours early.” I said if I took the next bus I would be late because the next bus doesn’t go until 8:30 and I need an hour to get to work (which was true; I did need an hour to get there, but there were buses driving all the time) I just told him that so I had more time to “bond” with him. So I did early chores with the boss, like, preparing the routes and planning who is driving that day who called in sick etc. I did that for a few days, then, he offered me to give me a ride home after I missed a late bus because we stayed late finishing reports. He noticed that my place was on his way home so it wasn’t a problem. I was still a driver associate which meant I came in early worked with the boss the usual office stuff, then I would do my official work delivering packages then after I’m finished doing that, I would stay late “waiting for my bus” again, working office stuff with the boss. So when he dropped me off, he asked me if I wanted him to also pick me up in the morning, I said yes. Well, long story short I deliberately “bonded” with him and showed “commitment” so he would give me better position then a driver associate, and he did I became a dispatcher and car park manager in a month time. After a while I got bored of the job and just left one day and apologized to him; I’m not coming anymore to work I’m very sorry, I found a higher paid position in a different company. He was baffled and said “I thought you liked the job?”, even offered me a raise, now I could’ve manipulated him even more and take that raise but I got bored and lost my interest so I didn’t.

There is more to my story. I really want to get a good therapist and not lie and manipulate like I did my whole life and if I subconsciously try to manipulate and lie (it is kind of my second nature to be fair) that the therapist is good and experienced to notice it and correct me. I want to finally get a steady job and a career and learn how to not get bored and learn how to stop making everything about me and my needs. I still don’t feel sorry, and ultimately I want to get counseling because I’m bored with myself..and again this magical circle of my mind…it’s still all always about me.

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