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You Just Wouldn’t Know I’m a Psychopath

The guy looking at the ocean

You just wouldn’t know I’m a psychopath. Even my wife was mildly shocked when I told her. When I was 5 I beat my dog. I actually still regret that and it’s one of the few things I do really feel shame about. I never told anyone that besides my therapist. I actually like animals more than people now by and large. I’ve stolen hundreds of thousands in property over my life and 10’s of thousands before I was 18. I’ve stolen someone’s social security number because they pissed me off and I still think they deserved it. By the time I was 10 I started regularly stealing from my parents.

I’ve trespassed, vandalized property, shoplifted but most of my theft was digital. Stealing things online barely even used to register as illegal for me. I’ve talked my way out of arrest and as a result I have no criminal record despite breaking more kinds of laws than I can shake a stick at. I literally assumed they would let me go because it was a minor offense and I was white/well spoken/educated. Despite a warning from the cops after crying crocodile tears, I committed a worse but related offense a year later and continued to do so on occasion for a decade.

To most people in the world I’m charming, likeable, and mildly egotistical on occasion. I’ve never committed a violent crime though I definitely got into a lot of scraps for my age as a 6 year old. I only stopped cause my father told me I’d probably go to jail if I didn’t stop and that going to jail was for stupid people. My parents are by and large normal and very successful professionals albeit pretty narcissistic. Not at all the type of people you’d think would have a kid that would be a psychopath. They don’t know the half of what I’ve done in my life although they were afraid of me because I’d punch holes in the wall when they behaved badly.

I’m in therapy now. I’m happier. My wife is happier. I’ve stopped breaking the law but I’m still pretty a mischievous guy. I also frequently remind my very understanding therapist that my primary motivation for not breaking the law is the recognition that I basically barely made it to my 30’s without being put in jail not because I feel guilty.

I’ve also done some pretty altruistic things from time to time in my life for no other reason other than because I thought the person(s) was deserving. Like a fictional protagonist who encounters a stroke of luck from a passerby benefactor. I’m full of contradictions. Like I said, you just wouldn’t be able to tell. I scored a 99% on the at-risk model on this website as well as at or near the threshold of psychopathy on several other models.

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